Monica Castillo
Whole Brain School
As I start this reflection, it’s appropriate that the song playing is Teenage Dream by Katy Perry alternating with 2012 by Jay Sean. When I first got to Stanford four years ago, I would make Facebook statuses saying, “Dear Stanford, You make me feel like I’m living a teenage dream. Love, Monica” and “gonna live like it’s the end of the world.” Four years later, these are still my thoughts and Facebook statuses, and nothing but truth has come from them after living life at Stanford. About 60% of my time at Stanford would consist of the happiest memories with the best people in the world. About 30% consists of the challenges that I was able to overcome and learn so much from. The remaining 10% consists of the unbearable struggles, the hardships, and the lowest moments. Thankfully, the lowest moments are balanced out by the great amount of happy moments, as stated so in another Facebook status from freshman Monica: “The classes are hard, people are so freaking talented, and I’m always busy. But then I look around and realize that I wouldn’t trade in one second here for the world.”
Let’s bring it back to four and a half years ago. On December 30, 2009, I was frantically putting together my final application to the biggest long shot of a school that I could ever apply to. I had been done and felt confident about my applications, but my mother kept persisting that I apply to Stanford. Eventually, my parents finally convinced me to apply to this one school on the west coast just to see what would happen. My parents told me to be honest about whom I was, and if God wanted me to go to Stanford, I would undoubtedly end up there. This was a decision that would change my life forever. A couple months later, I got in. And from that moment forward, my mom had all rights to make me listen to her on every possible matter for the rest of my life. I would later realize that this wasn’t necessarily the best way to live, especially during my attempts to grow up in college. But I am ever so grateful that I was able to live this wonderful Stanford dream, because of my mother who made me apply to this long shot school that I never thought I could get into.
Going to Stanford meant a fresh start: no pre-conceived notions about who I was supposed to be, so many people who loved to learn, and finally no drama. I was over my Chicago suburban life and the people I knew in high school, those who were not passionate about anything. I looked forward to the new faces and new ideas that I would encounter at Stanford, as this would be the beginning of the rest of my life. Stanford made me the happiest I had been in my entire life, but I always questioned to myself, “What did I do to deserve to be here?” I didn’t know. But the funny thing was that a lot of people around me were asking themselves the exact same thing. I remember really important people telling us during New Student Orientation that none of us were mistakes to be here, and the admissions committee saw something special in each one of us, and we each had the potential to make a difference in the world someday. Around this time last year, I found a place in the basement of Huang Engineering Building that has a plaque with the quote, “Jane Stanford was resolute that the university benefit society. While the instruction offered must be such as will qualify the students for personal success and direct usefulness in life, they should understand that it is offered in the hope and trust that they will become thereby of greater service to the public.” This is a mindset that I lived by in the last four years that would both remind me to study because I needed to succeed in my classes in order to become the doctor who would one day make an impact in people’s lives, but it also reminded me that it was okay to get a lower grades (to a certain extent) in order to help others in the moment, by volunteering all Saturday at the free clinic, by raising money for children with life-threatening illnesses whose wishes would be granted by the Make a Wish Foundation, and by sharing my positive energy by teaching small children at Bing Nursery School and as an Assistant Teacher at Sunday School. Being given the opportunities at Stanford meant that we had to use them to help other people right now and in the future.
I came into Stanford thinking I was going to be a math major. I loved math in high school, I was good at memorizing how to do things, and I would be able to do it on an exam. But then I got to Stanford, and I realized that school was hard. This was the first time I had ever felt this way, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I barely passed my first math class, and I quit the dream to be a pre-med math major. I would constantly look back at my life and wonder where I had gone wrong. I had wanted to be unique and do something different from the ‘typical pre-med,’ but at a certain point, I realized I just wanted to focus on the minimum amount of material to be able to go to medical school. I then decided to become a biology major, but I continued to struggle. Like I said, in the last four years, I’ve had the lowest moments that I felt I could not get out of. But I still remember the beginning of sophomore year when Professor Elam said, “You don’t have to read 300 pages by the next morning… you get to. You don’t have to start and finish that problem set… you get to. You don’t have to… you get to.” That mindset was a driving force to get me to where I am today.
My mom convinced me to become a biology major because she believed it would give me adequate preparation to become a doctor. I gave into the idea because if she had not convinced me to apply to Stanford just a year before, I would not be here. I eventually learned to love my major and in the end, I got so much out of it, including supportive faculty mentors, leadership opportunities as a peer advisor, and useful skills in critical thinking. Although my worst grades in college came from the classes in my major, I didn’t stop. People would tell me that I couldn’t do it, but I was determined to prove them wrong. I remember talking to the pre-med advisor in my sophomore year and coming out crying because she told me to change my major or not be pre-med. I remember talking to my Academic Director also in my sophomore year and coming out crying because she told me to not be a biology major and take a lot of time before thinking about going to medical school. At that time, this was not a possibility. My parents were pushing me to become a doctor as fast as possible. It didn’t matter to them where I would go after Stanford, as long as I came home with an M.D. four years after graduating from undergrad. I would end up in tears almost every night while talking to them because they knew I wasn’t focused as much as I could be on school because I would rather spend time learning about my culture with the Filipino-American community and raising money for philanthropy while creating bonds with my sorority sisters. Sometimes I regret decisions. Maybe I should have studied more. Done less extracurricular activities. Not gone out as much. Not spent so much time and energy in relationships with my peers. Maybe I'd be in a better place moving forward with my professional future. But in the end, every experience and interaction made me into who I am today. And I am proud of who I am and my passion to help other people in any way that I can in the moment. Although I was not and still am not an intense competitive pre-med, in the end, I know that I will be a doctor. One who will use her heart probably more than her head. Unclear how long it'll take and what'll happen along the way. But it'll happen. A Stanford undergrad was the biggest miracle I could have ever asked for. But it happened. God is with me now and forever, and I'm done being worried for what's coming next. It would be a lie if I said I didn’t regret any of it. But four years later, I am proud of the person that I have grown into today. A girl who has done more than she could handle in the last four years. A girl who has an insane overload of Stanford nostalgia and reflection on social media. A girl who celebrates her Filipino culture with people who have become her family. A girl who loves raising money for her sorority’s philanthropy with her friends who have become her sisters. A girl who believes there is good in all people. A girl who appreciates, lives, and loves life to the fullest.
When I got to Stanford, I wanted to do everything. I still love to do everything. I have a bad case of FOMO (fear of missing out) where I want to be at every event, even if it means coming late and leaving early and not finishing my homework until seconds before it is due. But after four years, I learned that it’s important to prioritize. As Kris Allen says in his song Live Like We’re Dying, “You only got 86400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or to throw it all away, gotta tell them that we love them while we got the chance the say.” Essentially, the people really made my Stanford experience. In high school, I didn’t have many friends. Or I had a bunch that I thought I was close to, but I was too busy working my hardest to one day attend a top-tier university. But then I got to Stanford, and I believed in meeting people and soaking in the knowledge and passion that people had to offer me. I feel like this mindset was even encouraged by the faculty and top people in the university. My peers were people with the most interesting stories and perspectives on life, and I’ve opened up my eyes more than I could have ever imagined while at Stanford. I grew up in a conservative Filipino Catholic family, but I learned to be more open-minded at Stanford. At times, I have regrets about how I lived my life in the past. But then I stop and realize: I am who I am today because of everything that I’ve done and everything that has happened to me. God has allowed me to make these choices with His guidance, and I know that everything is His will. And as a tradeoff to super spectacular marks, I have the best support system near and far, and I have allowed myself to do things that I love and legitimately be happy. No matter what I do in my life, I just want to be able to help people in the moment. I don’t see a point in being super competitive, only looking out for myself, so I can get into the best medical school in the future. In the long-run, it’s about who I’ll be able to help, and how I’ll be able to help them, as a doctor, teacher, or whatever I choose to do in my life.
On my college application asking why Stanford would be a good place for me, I talked about how Kayumanggi would allow me to express my Filipino culture through dance. It's been four years since then, and from frosh intern to dancer to royalty to lead in the skit, Kayumanggi has been an integral part of my college career. When I was applying to Stanford and trying to figure out how to answer that question about why it would be a good place for me, I found myself on YouTube searching for “stanford tinikling” videos. I had done Tinikling in high school with the dozen other Filipinos at my school, but to be honest, these people did not care about academics like I did and considered me a prodigy because I liked getting A’s in classes. To find out that Filipinos were prominent at Stanford made me believe that my dream could be a reality, and that this place really could be the best fit for me. Although PASU had responsibilities of going to Core meetings and attending Kayu practices, I looked forward to the moments outside of the structured events: the moments that turned this group of people into my family.
Life is about the people and experiences, everything has happened for a reason, and nothing is a guarantee until it actually happens. I like to believe that every person has a purpose for coming into my life. This past year, I’ve lost a lot of people I’ve known in different ways. It brought me to an all-time low, just questioning why things happen, because I really could not understand. I have become more contemplative, and I just began to fear that life can change for the worst at any possible moment. But then I realize that it can all change for the best at any possible moment, as well. And it’s about the people I can turn to in the worst moments as well as those that I can celebrate the best moments with. Living in the moment really means appreciating everyone around me… right here, right now.
And now for the part about my project. ☺ I love brains. I’ve spent a lot of my college career learning about the brain in neurobiology and psychology classes, as well as in my research in the Department of Neurobiology. I created my picture book on parts of the brain because it brought together my love for brains and my love for kids. When I taught at Bing Nursery School in Fall 2013, and we were asked to teach something to the class, I wanted to teach the children about the brain. But this was still an abstract concept for this age group. So when I was able to create Holly Hippocampus, Oz Occipital, Tim Temporal, Cece Cerebellum, Paul Parietal, and Fran Frontal in an easy-to-follow story using a paper cut-out method that would appeal to children, I knew that this project was special, and I could truly share this project with my own patients someday. But throughout the year, although this project really excited me, it was very difficult to balance with my other classes and my thesis. I am happy that I made the decision before senior year to drop the neurobiology specialization in order to take TSR, because in the end, I was much happier with this opportunity and without the requirement to take those classes that I was not as excited about. TSR allowed me to create something that I knew could make a difference in young children’s lives right here and right now, while being my happiest as I pursued it.
But then I got into my accident. As I stated before, I love brains… I have learned so much about the brain, and I have had every intention to protect my brain, but now I can say that I truly almost damaged my brain, right parietal, to be exact. (Paul Parietal would be so sad if he could not build tall towers with blocks anymore.) And at that very moment, my life changed. My life at Stanford that was full of bliss in my communities with the biggest challenges being my academic struggles, became a struggle to function normally, in physical movement, mental capabilities, and the emotional challenges. Although I had already been so appreciative about life, I realized even more how much life really means and how miracles truly happen. I was biking to my Biology Honors Symposium when a car hit me, and I somehow flew up onto the windshield and hit my head on it causing it to break. Then I went unconscious so I don't know what happened until paramedics arrived. I was transported to the ER, and I texted some friends to hopefully meet me there. I was very scared and overwhelmed but was convinced that I was fine. I kept saying, “I’m fine, I’m fine!” but I just wanted to go to my Biology Honors Symposium. Obviously, that was not priority then. I had so many wonderful friends come for me and wait for me while the doctors checked every part of me, and this moment truly showed me the kind of people that have become a part of my life while at Stanford. Thankfully, nothing was broken, and I merely had a few abrasions and a golf ball-sized hematoma on the back of my head leading me to my concussion and now post-concussion syndrome. I stayed in the trauma room for about three hours for precautions, and I was so upset I couldn't go to my Symposium, but my wonderful friends that remained when I came out let me present my thesis to them. I realize that I could have possibly been injured to a greater extent and potentially died, but God was truly looking out for me. Although it’s been almost one month, I am still fragile and will need to take it easy for the next couple months throughout the summer and next year. After a lot of thought and tears reflecting on what and why it happened. I realize that it could have been God's way of making me slow down my hectic life. Lately, I've felt overwhelmed, tired, slow, and emotional, because I can't do as much this senior spring, what's supposed to be the best days of our college careers. But the fact that I do have these days, no matter how different they are from the earlier ones, and that I'm gonna finish my work, and I'm gonna graduate from Stanford, those are blessings themselves. And I could not do it without the overwhelming love and support from my family, friends, professors, advisors, colleagues, and peers, which in turn have brought me to even more tears than that day. So I thank all of you.
Unfortunately, I had to miss the presentation of my Honors Thesis, but lucky for me, I usually take on more than I can handle, and I did two senior capstone projects. The Senior Reflection allowed me to grow and find out even more about myself, more than I could have found in any other way. I honestly didn’t know if I’d be able to finish my capstone project, but when I officially installed my baby in its new home for the next couple of months, it was the best feeling in the world. At the exhibition, I had the opportunity to read my children’s book to my PASU family in a storytime style in the middle of Wallenberg during the exhibition. It was super spontaneous and likely inappropriate for that sort of event. But it’s PASU. My family. And it made me super happy.
In my life, I learned to always appreciate what I have in the moment. Don’t take anything for granted and cherish the people around you because you don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I write reflections at the end of every calendar year. And each year, I remember to thank God for my many blessings.
December of Freshman Year: Thank you for my successes as I finished up my career at Conant High School, my supportive parents, family, and friends who provide me with everything I could ever need, summer memories that would last a lifetime, and the ability to expand my horizons and make a difference in the world, starting off with an undergraduate education at Stanford University. It all started off with an application to this one school on the west coast just to see what would happen. But it was God’s will, and I count my blessings everyday.
December of Sophomore Year: Thank you for all the uphills and downhills in the roller coaster of life, for every person that has come into my life and for all those who have stayed in it, for the continuous love and support of my family and friends, and for all those adventures to other worlds, whether it be on other continents or at school on the other side of the country. “Stop thinking about the past, and don’t worry too much about what’s going to happen in the future. Your presence is a present, so live for today, and appreciate everyone and everything you have. Stop thinking about what you don’t have, what you wish you had, who walked out of your life, and whatever else that falls in that category. Think about what you have, who you have in your life, and how fortunate you are.”
December of Junior Year: “We’re healthy, we’re safe, and we have everything we need… Our problems are great problems to have.” At a certain point, you become content with every part of your life and accept who’s hurt you, things that don’t make sense, and stuff you wish went differently. That time is my now. Thank you for supportive parents who will do anything to give me everything, loving family near and far, friends that I see everyday every month or every year, kids I grew up with and loved ones who’ve shaped who I am today, two letters that made a sisterhood, a passion for culture which turned into family, people who know how to handle all my levels of random, a home in the midwest and one on the west coast, experiences that have changed my life, and opportunities to do what I love and become what I’m meant to be. I could hope for true love and crazy adventures, but let’s get real… I just wanna get into med school. Life is just getting faster and faster. Make the most of it.
December of Senior Year: Thank you for supportive parents, loving family, wonderful friends, a sisterhood, my pamilya, people who just ‘get’ me, homes on both sides of the country, the constant desire to learn, the growing passion to teach, experiences that have changed my life, and opportunities to do what I love and become what I’m meant to be. Last year, I said, “I could hope for true love and crazy adventures, but let’s get real… I just wanna get into med school.” But really, who knows what’s next. I do want to go to med school, but more importantly, I want whatever my future holds to happen at the right time… in the right circumstance… in the best place for me… so I can be the happiest that I can be and do the most good in the world.
Although I didn’t include the entire reflections from the last four years, it’s crazy to think about how much life has changed and how priorities have changed. Coming into college, my goals were immersing myself into every part of Stanford and appreciating every second of it, while working to get to my dream of becoming a doctor. When I came to Stanford, I wasn’t really sure why I wanted to become a doctor, and I had a hard time putting it into words. Today, I am very content with not going straight to medical school. And in the end, it may have turned out for the best, especially with my recent accident. I am blessed to have so much love and support around me, and I know that. I have been given so much, and I know that. It is my responsibility to give back to others to the best of my abilities, and I know that. I know there will be many more struggles and obstacles along the way, but these are all part of the journey to achieve my success and happiness. My goals are to do good in the world, enjoy life, and give back. Right now, I hope to do this by becoming a doctor, potentially a pediatrician or a neurologist. Or maybe I can be a pediatric neurologist, bringing together my loves of brains and kids, once again. My final life motto, “Whatever it takes to be what I was meant to be, I’m gonna try” comes from Demi Lovato’s lyrics in her song Me, Myself, and Time. Whatever that may be, I look back at my Stanford years and appreciate all that I’ve been given. In the upcoming months, years, and decades, I will look back at my social media, the photos with my PASU family and my Chi Omega sorority sisters as well as the Facebook statuses complaining about my thesis and appreciating the glorious California weather, and then look at who I am and recognize how every moment in my college career and every person I have encountered, from the most fabulous advisors to the supportive faculty members to the classmates I learned from to the friends I partied with to the confidantes while I figured out life’s greatest meanings, has made the person that I am and whom I will be one day. And I hope that at that time, I will still be a person that I am proud of: one that will appreciate where she came from, live in the moment, and strive to put others before herself and give back in anyway she can as she contemplates and figures out her future. Thank you, Stanford, for taking this nerdy little girl from the Chicago suburbs and giving her knowledge, fostering her passions, providing her with the best friends and communities, and contributing to her constant growth as she continues to grow into the best version of herself. Thank you, Stanford, for letting me live the dream.