The University of Konstanz recently awarded Paul Kiparsky an honorary doctoral degree. There was a crowd on hand for the occasion that included alums Gillian Ramchand and Miriam Butt, the latter speaking ex officiis as Head of the Department of Linguistics and, simultaneously, as Vice Dean of the Faculty of Humanities. Gratulationes Paulle tibi agimus!



Paul Kiparsky Receives Honorary Doctorate in Konstanz

Jonathan Pelsis is the new Lab Manager in the Phonetics/ExL Lab. Originally from Baltimore, MD, Jonathan received his Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Syracuse University in 2005. He then went on receive a Master's of Health Science in Biostatistics from Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health. He is currently aspiring to attend medical school in 2009 with a specific interest in Ophthalmology and Surgery.



Jonathan Pelsis

After the catty video that appeared in last week's edition, it seems only fair that this week we put on the dog. You'll all be talking about THIS.

THERE'S NUN LIKE IT Can you imagine yourself as the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure? These come from a Catholic elementary school test; Kids were asked questions about the old and new testamennts. The following statements about the bible were all written by children.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA ! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

For events farther in the future consult the Upcoming Events Page.

• FRIDAY, 1 FEBRUARY

  • Speech Lunch

    Bevan Jones (SJSU)
    "The Prosody of Student Confidence for Automatic Tutoring"
    12:00 PM, ExL Lab

  • Representation Roundtable

    Bayesian inference, theories of concepts (exemplars vs. prototypes)
    1:15-2:15 PM, ExL Lab

  • Linguistics Department Colloquium

    Moved to 4 April

  • Department Social!

    4:00 in the Lounge
• MONDAY, 4 FEBRUARY

  • Berkeley Phonetics and Phonology Phorum

    Christian Dicanio (Berkeley), Keith Johnson (Berkeley), Laurel Mackenzie (Unviersity of Pennsylvania)
    "Phonetic Explanations for Nasal Restoration"
    12:00-1:00 PM, 46 Dwinelle Hall, UC Berkeley

  • Phonology Workshop

    Seung Kyung Kim
    3:15 PM, MJH 127

  • UC Berkeley Linguistics Colloquium

    Lev Michael (UT Austin)
    "The Social Life of Evidentiality in Nanti Society (Arawak, Peruvian Amazonia)"
    4:00 PM, 182 Dwinelle Hall, UC Berkeley
• WEDNESDAY, 6 FEBRUARY

  • MIT Club of Northern California

    Victor Zue (MIT)
    "On Organic Interfaces"
    6 PM hors d'oeuvres; 7:15 PM talk
    Berkeley City Club, 2315 Durant Ave., Berkeley, CA (www.berkeleycityclub.com )
    
    This talk will describe cutting edge science in voice recognition, an area where Dr Zue has been a leader for the past thirty years. The Berkeley City Club is an easy 6 block walk from the Berkeley BART station at Shattuck and Center. Street parking free after 6 PM.
    The cost is $20 for MITCNC members and their guests, $30 for non-members. Please register at the MITAA Web site.

  • Special Linguistics Department Colloquium

    Roger Levy (UC San Diego)
    Probabilistic Knowledge in Human Language Comprehension and Production
    5:15
    
• THURSDAY, 7 FEBRUARY

  • SPLaT!/Construction of Meaning Workshop

    Brian McElree (NYU Psychology Department)
    "Real-time evidence for semantic coercion"
    5:15 PM cheese and crackers; 5:30 PM talk, MJH 126
• FRIDAY-SUNDAY, 8-10 FEBRUARY

  • Berkeley Linguistics Society Meetings

    The program for BLS 34, held at UC Berkeley, is available HERE.




• UPCOMING EVENTS (always under construction)
• LINGUISTIC DEPARTMENT EVENTS PAGE
• Got broader interests? The New Sesquipedalian recommends reading or even subscribing to the CSLI Calendar, available HERE.
• WHAT'S HAPPENING AT UC SANTA CRUZ?
  
• WHAT'S GOING ON AT UC BERKELEY?
  
• HOW ABOUT MIT? UMass Amherst? U Chicago? Rutgers?

The Stanford Blood Center is reporting a shortage of as well as a shortage of O-, O+, A-, A+, B-, and AB-. For an appointment: http://bloodcenter.stanford.edu/ or call 650-723-7831. It only takes an hour of your time and you get free cookies. The Blood Center is also raising money for a new bloodmobile.

Want to contribute information? Want to be a reporter? Want to see something appear here regularly? Want to be a regular columnist? Want to take over running the entire operation? Write directly to sesquip@gmail.com.